Every Mother’s Resume

So I found this online and had to put it here, it is perfect and very true…

Mom Resume
Objective: Obtain a position where I can utilize the the diverse skills obtained in the fast-paced world of parenting.

Experience:
Waste-Management Consultant – Dispose of more remains than Tony Soprano, including one-legged action figures and the art projects that “mysteriously” disappear in the middle of the night.

Engineer- (Practically) earned an advance degree in toy assembly. Successfully completed the final project: assembling a ride-on pony at 2 am on Christmas.

Detective – Solved hundreds of cases, including “the Mysterious Brown Stain on the Carpet” and “Who’s Been Eating Mommy’s Favorite Cookies?”. Hope to crack the case “The Midnight Appearance of the Toddler Dressed in Inside-Out and Upside-Down pajamas”.

Singer – Entertain small and large crowds with a diverse repertoire, ranging form the Blue’s Clues theme song to the Rolling Stone’s (Can’t get No) Satisfaction”.

Technician – Quickly, and with very little swearing, extract Legos from the DVD player and pick pennies from between computer keys.

Food Scientist – Create well-balanced meals in whic no item touches another, and instantaneously turn “peas” into “magic green grow pellets”.

Actor – Realistically convey enthusiasm for up to three consecutive games of Go Fish. Emmy worthy performances include “Good Job on the Potty” and “Mommy’s Not Mad, She Just Needs a Time-Out”.

Coach – Lead my team to many success, including sharing for longer than seven seconds.

Skills:
Handling demanding bosses
Tracking down lost blankets
Distracting hungry clients with only a set of keys and a travel pack of tissues

Awards:
The Butterfly Kiss Award, the “I Wuv U” prize and the coveted “Mommy, You’re the Best” Honor

References:
Please contact two happy, healthy kids and one (mostly) satidfied husband.

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